When I was in grade four, I loved the WWF more than anything else in my world. The school guidance counselor came into the class one day to give us aptitude tests or something and part of it included listing what you want to be when you grow up. For the past few years I had put NHL player in that spot. In grade four, I broke it down seasonally: in the winter, I would play pro hockey. In the off-season, I’d be a pro wrestler.
I think about this now and wish there was an athlete who did this every year. He (or she—not sexist) would be a fantastic story. I’ve digressed.
The reason I bring this up is because one of the things I remember from watching wrestling every Saturday morning in grade four were the words of wrestling manager/part time play-by-play man Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. Heenan was a classic bad guy announcer. He’d sympathize with all the heels, justifying their cheating ways and then turn viciously on the good guys when they’d occasionally do something that was against the rules.
Say for instance, Andre the Giant was fighting Hulk Hogan. If Hogan were gaining momentum, Andre the Giant would poke him in the eye, which would prompt Heenan to say, “Nothing stops a man like a thumb to the eye. Doesn’t matter how big you are or how little the other guy is, you poke someone in the eye and you stop them in their tracks.”
Today when I was playing ball at the Y, I took an elbow to the forearm, which to me, is basketball’s equivalent to a thumb to the eye. I wasn’t doing great before the elbow, but my day might as well have ended once that thing hit my arm. Even now, two hours later, it hurts to make a fist.
If there were a basketball coach out there who was the hoops version of Bobby the Brain, he’d be making a list of cheap ways to throw people off their game. Quickly, that list:
- elbow to the forearm, or a charley horse on the leg.
- pulling on your opponent’s leg hair
- holding on the screen
- give a hard foul to start the game
Note: this list may already have existed in the locker room of any team that Karl Malone played on.
5 Comments
April 1, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Dude, the low bridge on a dunk/layup. That’s the ultimate game-wrecker.
April 1, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Unless things have changed significantly in recent years, “pulling on your opponent’s leg hair” is not much of an issue in women’s basketball.
I suppose you could replace that with. . .oh, I don’t know, let’s say “use of nails to claw your opponent. anywhere.”
April 2, 2008 at 12:25 am
Nails are always an issue for both genders. I have scratches and cuts all over my arms thanks to a few cavemen who refuse to at the very least bite their nails before playing. Follow LeBron’s lead, kids. King James is a courteous young man.
P-Ow, the bridge is on the list. With that, we’re officially sitting in on a meeting at the Bill Laimbeer school of basketball. The bridge is pretty much a guaranteed fight starter, though. Sticking with the wrestling themes, you’d be jumping from a poke in the eye to giving the ref your finishing move and going and getting the sledge hammer out from under the ring apron.
April 2, 2008 at 9:28 am
How about “using your ponytail to whip your opponent”? Damn, that could be both genders, too.
(uhhhhhh, also. on a scale from 1 - superserious, how serious were you with the leg hair thing? i’m currently suffering from “i can’t read internet humor” disorder. i’m hoping that it will be corrected soon)
April 2, 2008 at 10:31 am
On your scale, I’m a 74: that’s pretty serious. My high school coach actually told us to pull our opponent’s leg hair. I never did it. I also never got off the bench. Coincidence?
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